FOODSPEAK
Since reading Animal Farm cover-to-cover as a dyslexic teen, I had liked George Orwell, but when I read Down and Out in Paris in London a couple years ago, he became one of my favorite authors. A first-person account of Orwell's time working as a dishwasher in Paris and living unhoused in London, Down and Out struck me as a startlingly relevant precursor to Anthony Bourdain’s Kitchen Confidential and the chef-memoir in general. I plan in some future posts to return to Down and Out as inspiration and talk about some of my experiences working in kitchens, but this first post is inspired by Orwell’s more popular work, 1984: it’s a satirical look at the language we use around food.
Many thought Donald Trump’s election was the culmination of decades of polarization, but the year is 2041 and Donald McRonald Jr. is President, perhaps showing that Trump was merely the beginning of a new era of celebrity politics. The great-great-great-great grandson of a fast food mogul (and distant relation of Mr. Trump himself), Donald McRonald Jr. captured the nation’s heart with the campaign promise, “You’ll love it!” and free toys for all children. In his first term, he consolidated the FDA, USDA, and EPA into the Food and Taste Service Operation (FaTSO).
This deregulation set off a series of mergers as new players swept in to profit off the government's blind eye. Coke merged with Koch to form Coke & Koch, British Petroleum and Pepsi formed BPepsi, and McDonald’s merged with Monsanto to create a new food goliath, McSanto.
In aggregate, these moves consolidated all agricultural land, seeds and food production facilities in the hands of just a few companies which operate as a cartel in close alignment with the White House. To support this new agro-industrial reality, FaTSO began circulating a FOODSPEAK dictionary in support of the goal of alienating food from people, land, and health. With this rhetoric, the new American food industrialists have been able to feed all Americans a profit-maximizing “GOODFOOD” diet. Today, Americans get 95% of their food from the Three Step-Sisters (corn, wheat, and soy) and are on track to meet President Donald McRonald’s promise of a 100% GOODFOOD diet for all Americans by 2050 – health and biodiversity be damned!
UPDATES TO THE FOODSPEAK DICTIONARY, 2nd Edition: The Official Business Language Guide for the Modern Food Industry
FOODSPEAK is used to disguise the nature of a hyper-processed diet, factory farming, and labor exploitation through helpful neologisms, happy imagery, and sanitary language. It aims to discourage unnecessary critical thinking about food’s origins and health impacts, while promoting mass consumption and convenience over nutrition or connection. There is only one diet now, GOODFOOD, so terms and definitions have been reduced to only those relevant for promoting this hyper-processed diet.
UNSAD MEAL (n.)
A term for children’s meals. The term HAPPY MEAL and the idea of “happiness” was no longer resonating, so we recommend updating the phrase to remain relevant to a physically and mentally unwell population.
MAXIMUM OPPORTUNITY WAGE (n.)
A replacement for the concept of a MINIMUM WAGE. Starting at the bottom means these workers technically have the greatest opportunity to increase their earnings!
LIVING WAGE (n.)
Any wage paid to a living person; it need not meet any threshold for subsistence, just technically be paid to a currently alive person.
FAST-PACED WORK ENVIRONMENT (n.)
Helpful neologism for stressful, high-pressure, and thankless workplaces with unrealistic demands. Safe working conditions are a nonviable expectation in such fast-paced environments.
FRIED (adj.)
During the late twentieth century, misled “medical experts” convinced the general population that deep fat frying was “unhealthy.” This negative association has been difficult to dispel. Deep fat frying is in fact the most patriotic way of preparing food: not only does it enrich the food with beneficial crunchiness —excellent for exercising under-utilized jaw muscles — but it supports the national seed-oil industry, a security priority of this administration. We recommend continuing the 21st century trend of disguising “deep fat fried” items on menus. Never use FRIED, instead, use one of these FRESH FaTSO-approved substitutes:
GOLDEN
CRISPY
CRUNCHY
KETTLE-COOKED
CRACKLIN
LIGHTLY-DUSTED
CRUSTED
FRIZZLED
SIZZLED
BATTERED
BEER-BATTERED
BREADED
DREDGED
FINGER-LICKING
HOMESTYLE
CRUMBED
NUGGET
TEMPURA
FRITTER
CRISPED TO PERFECTION
DIETARY FREEDOM (n.)
Used to justify unhealthy food choices and obfuscate industry marketing’s role in shaping harmful eating habits.
FROOT, FROOTY (n, adj.)
Today, there is no real FRUIT, only fruit flavors. FROOT has replaced the word candy and can refer to anything sweet. After the seedless fruit blight of 2025, all fruit varieties went extinct, so this archaic term has been revamped and FROOT now refers to candy and sweet snacks, and FROOTY to any sweet flavors.
NUTRINSTANT (adj.)
Marketing term for sugar- and caffeine-highs from insulin-spiking, hyper-refined, fiberless, and stimulant-laden foods and beverages.
ORGANIC (adj.)
Carbon-based; This definition is stripped back to its correct chemical meaning: any compound that contains carbon. Today, all foods are grown with chemical additives so the previous use of organic is obsolete.
AGRI-BOOSTER (n.)
Any additive, including pesticides, chemical fertilizers, or antibiotics, used to increase yields. Fake news coverage has led consumers to be afraid of these necessary compounds. Moreover, the suffix “-cide” has a negative association with death, so in any future discussion of these chemicals, strike PESTICIDES and HERBICIDES and replace with AGRI-BOOSTER.
For illustrative purposes, here are some examples of the full FOODSPEAK dictionary in action:
“Naturally Processed”
“Lite Creme”
“Really Frooty”
“Globally Sourced”
“High in Balancing Superfoods”
“New Vita-Boosted Formula”
“Guilt-Free Snack Cakes”
“A Great Source of Calories”
“Heart-Healthy Ingredients”
“All-Natural Meal Replacement”
“Organic Flavor”